Magic Screen Depreciation

WARNING: THIS IS POSSIBLY THE STUPIDEST, MOST INANE POST EVER. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR BRAIN BREAKAGE.



For Christmas 2006, I received the first Pee Wee's Playhouse DVD box set. I found the show to be just as whimsical as I remembered. However, every rose has its thorn. For me, Magic Screen is the thorn on the rose that is Pee Wee's Playhouse.

My irrational hatred for Magic Screen is a recent development. I don't remember disliking her as a kid. I can only offer up a few lame explanations for why she irks me so much now.

Maybe it's the fact that I find her to be visually unappealing? Those beady eyes, metal claw hands, permanent jacked-up smile, hideous sparkly screen... ugh! What an eyesore. She's not exactly auditorally pleasing either. That whiny amplified voice sets my teeth on edge.

Ultimately, I think my main problem with Magic Screen is her pushiness. Every time I hear "Pee Wee, it's time to play with MEEEEEE!" I want to scream at the TV. Wait your damn turn, Magic Screen! Pee Wee will play with you when he's good and ready! Even Pterry's whiny ass didn't pester him that much.

Commercials: Showbiz Pizza

Before Chuck E. Cheese ditched his bow tie and went all EXTREME TO THE MAX in the mid 90s, his establishment was known as Showbiz Pizza. The restaurant's basic concept might not have changed much (except for the fact that Chuck is apparently the sole animatronic left. Boo!), but the quality of their commercials has spiraled downward. They just don't have the charm that they used to. Plus in my humble opinion, "Showbiz Pizza: where a kid can be a kid" has a MUCH better ring to it than "Chuck E. Cheese's: where a kid can be a kid".

In this first commercial, a kid laments the fact that his big brother and pals are better than him at basketball. However, upon arriving at Showbiz, he kicks Big Bro's ass at Hoop Shots™, Skee-Ball, and Whack a Mole. That's pretty unrealistic if you ask me. Sorry kids, but in real life the bigger kids most likely have the upper hand at these games too (the first two, anyway).



In the next one, a pseudo badass kid claims that HE calls the shots when it comes to his family's choice of pizza restaurants. I guess Mom and Dad wouldn't spring for a leather jacket, so kiddo had to look "rebellious" in a denim one.



On a final note, am I the only one who thought that the ball pits in those commercials were completely misleading? They were never that big or deep. I don't even think that the Showbiz Pizza I went to had a slide until I was too big for the ball pit.

Big Bird's Scary Snoring

OK, am I the only person who was absolutely terrified of that noise Big Bird made whenever he snored? I actually had to run out of the room and cover my ears every time I heard it. It sounded like somebody was wringing a duck's neck. To my three year-old self, that was the most horrifying sound in the world.

...Or was I just a weird kid?

You'll see what I'm talking about about 40 seconds into the following video. While I no longer have to cover my ears, that sound still sets my teeth on edge.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde: A Tribute

Lady Elaine Fairchilde of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood fame is possibly one of the greatest characters to ever grace a children's show. Sure, she was a total bitch, appeared to have a drinking problem, and was quite possibly a drag queen, but that's what added to her awesomeness. Plus, some of her mannerisms remind me of my late grandmother (mostly when she called people "Toots").

Lady Elaine inhabited the infamous museum-go-round, which was undoubtedly the coolest residence in the Neighborhood of Make Believe. Her museum was full of jacked items, which she referred to as a "found items exhibit".

Lady Elaine was notorious for being a real shit disturber. Some of her finest moments include dissing Prince Tuesday's drawing of King Friday, making light of Daniel Striped Tiger's wussiness, convincing Prince Tuesday that his parents might abandon him, causing mischief with her Boomerang Toomerang Zoomerang, and just being generally pessimistic. If this show wasn't for kids, she totally would have made fun of Mr. McFeely's name.

While the other characters bowed down to King Friday ("correct as usual, King Friday"), Lady Elaine never put up with his crap. She didn't even call him "King Friday", he was just "Friday" to her. Fight the power, Lady Elaine!

...Wow, it just NOW dawned on me that King Friday's full name is King Friday the Thirteenth. I can't believe it took me almost 25 years to pick up on that.

Ohmigod, I so want this.

To cap this entry off, here are some verbal gems from our favorite alcoholic tranny:

"You mean you're not supposed to walk into somebody's private place and flash your flashlight around and scare them and say 'Yoo-hoo, I'm here!'"

"I have established a blanket policy at the factory: anyone who makes a mistake gets a spanking."

"My theory is that men can't dance."

PSA: The Incredible Edible Egg

Wow, it's been awhile since my last post. I've been tapped out lately.

I always thought those "Incredible Edible Egg" ads that aired in the 80s and early 90s. were pretty random. I didn't understand why such a fuss was being made over eggs. Some of these commercials even made it look like they were promoting a product called "The Incredible Edible Egg". It turns out that due to concerns about cholesterol levels, egg consumption had steadily fallen since the late 60s. The American Egg Board was determined to clear their name, hence the abundance of these ads.

This commercial from the early 90s features a crudely drawn kid who insists that "eggs are TEH AWESOME!!11!!".