I'm Not Dead!

I've been neglecting this blog for awhile, due to real life obligations. I hope to get back to it soon. In the meantime, I'll be going through the older entries and replacing some of the videos that were yanked by Youtube.

Sesame Street: People in Your Neighborhood

Anybody who watched Sesame Street before it turned into The Elmo Show is familiar with these sketches. You know, Bob sings about random people that one might encounter in the neighborhood. Well, this 1988 version featured several... intersting celebrity cameos: Barbara Walters, Martina Navratilova, and Ralph Nader.

A few observations:

• There certainly aren't any tennis pros, journalists, or consumer advocates/presidential candidates in MY neighborhood.

• Martina was totally rocking a mullet.

• Martina Navratilova should be banned from singing in public permanently.

• Luis can join me in a game of "checkers" anytime!

• Barbara Walters is no Maria Callas, but at least she can carry a tune, unlike Ms. Navratilova.

• Hee! Ralph Nader's the best singer of the three.

• Bwahaha, even OSCAR ragged on their singing.

Bumpers: Disney Afternoon

I guess I'll file this as a bumper...

Back before Disney became the evil conglomerate that it is today, they provided kids with quality shows that didn't involve the caterwauling of nasal-voiced teenagers. The Disney Afternoon was a staple in the TV viewing habits of kids born in the 80s.

My Disney Afternoon programs of choice included The Gummi Bears, Duck Tales, Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers, Tale Spin, Goof Troop, and once in awhile, Darkwing Duck. I tried to give Bonkers a chance, but that show was absolutely abysmal. The made more than one dig at it on Animaniacs for a good reason. Plus, unlike its predecessors, it didn't have an awesome theme song. Soon after, I abandoned The Disney Afternoon, due to the line-up changes and my impending puberty.

Here's the first intro, featuring characters from the original four (The Gummi Bears, Duck Tales, Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers and Tale Spin), plus Darkwing Duck, whose show was in the works at the time:



Here's another version, with the addition of characters from Darkwing Duck, Goofy, Max, and (ugh) Bonkers:



There was apparently a soundtrack that was sold in stores (I'm going to have to scavenge the local used record stores now). Here's the full version of the Disney Afternoon theme. You gotta love the jazzy flute solo:

Commercial: Baby Shivers

When I was a kid, I absolutely hated baby dolls for some reason. I used to wonder if this had anything to do with the jealousy I experienced upon the arrival of my little brother when I was three and a half, but there's a picture of me on Christmas morning opening a baby doll with a horrified expression on my face, and I was still an only child at that point (my mom was actually about three months pregnant when that picture was taken, but my jealousy didn't surface until my brother arrived home from the hospital). I like real babies, so I guess my aversion to baby dolls will remain an enigma.

Needless to say, I absolutely despised the Baby Shivers commercial. Even at eight years old, the jingle made me want to puke. The doll also creeped me out, and it wasn't only because it looked like this:



The idea of a shivering doll was just unsettling to me back then. It actually still is, when I think about babies that shiver uncontrollably in real life. Baby Shivers? More like Baby Crack Withdrawal.

As if this doll wasn't creepy enough, you apparently had to remove its head in order to replace the batteries.

Hee! There's an indie band named Baby Shivers Boutique. Awesome.

Here's the only Baby Shivers commercial I was able to find. It's part of a compilation of commercials the uploader posted, so to get straight to Baby Shivers, click here.

Saved by the Bell: Jessie's So Excited

Everybody who watched Saved by the Bell lists this among their highlight reel:

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared!"

If Jessie gets like this after a few over-the-counter caffeine pills, I'd hate to see what cocaine or meth would do to her.

Jessie's freak out is just as hilarious now as it was circa 1991. Somebody else obviously thought so too, hence this awesome video:

Sesame Street: Luis and Maria's Wedding or Luis is Hot

Surely I'm not the only woman in the world who realized just how hot Luis from Sesame Street was when I got older? If so, then A.) I have unique taste in men or B.) some people are lying.

The following video exhibits one of the finest examples of Luis' hotness, during his marriage to Maria. At 2:44, just pretend Luis is looking at you.

More commentary:

• Sesame Street's skyline resembles that of Oil Ocean Zone's in Sonic 2. From the rooftops, that place looks like a real dystopia.

• If it wasn't for her typical "mother of the bride" ensemble, Maria's mom could have easily passed for her sister.

• I'm sure most people reading this rolled their eyes at Elmo's appearance (Lord knows I did). However, this was ten plus years before Elmo became "The Thing That Ate Sesame Street". Back then he was a bit player and not nearly as grating.

• Poor lonely David, his woman got away and now he's sitting dateless at her wedding. Even OSCAR had Grungetta. Speaking of David, I was actually browsing a book about Sesame Street behind the scenes at Borders yesterday, and those "so-called" rumors that he died in a mental hospital weren't exactly "so called".

• Luis's exterior + Bob's voice = MY DREAM MAN

• Gina and Linda should have switched dresses. Gina's outfit screamed bridesmaid. Linda's? Not so much.

• I actually laughed out loud at Big Bird towards the end.

• If this took place nowadays, maybe Bert and Ernie would have had their own little internal monologue. Civil union? I refuse it! We should move to Massachusetts!

Commercials: Circuit City

In honor of the demise of Circuit City, here are a couple of their commercials from the early 90s, featuring that catchy jingle.

There are two commercials in this video. The first one is probably the most famous one (and up until now I had completely forgotten about it). It features a kid getting the difference back from the hideous yellow Walkman he bought after seeing an ad in the paper that advertised it for less than what he paid for. Nice effort Circuit City, but this ploy must not have provided enough sustenance to help you survive a recession.

The second commercial is simply an extended version of the jingle.

Tiny Toons Meets Ninja Turtles

Don't let this post's title mislead you. This isn't some obscure cartoon crossover special. This is a hilarious and accurate parody of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as seen on Tiny Toon Adventures. Don't you just love it when early 90s phenomena collide?

The whole segment isn't available on Youtube, but here's the theme song, which is definitely the funniest part of the episode. Sit back, relax, and enjoy "Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs".

Fruity Pebbles Christmas Commercial

For my second cereal-related Christmas commercials post, here's an old standby that aired for several years. I'm pretty sure I was still seeing it on TV when I was well into my teens. Yes, I'm referring to the Fruity Pebbles holiday commercial.

Barney must be even more desperate for Fruity Pebbles than that rabbit is for Trix (I don't understand why. In my opinion, Cocoa Pebbles is the superior cereal of the Pebbles variety). The guy was willing to go out in the snow with no pants or shoes on, for God's sake.

Commercials: Trix, Christmas Style

Here's a Trix commercial from the early 90s that I'm pretty sure continued to air for a few years after that. Back then there were only five flavors (I think that lime was a fairly recent addition when this commercial aired) and they were all just round, instead of fruit-shaped (interesting factoid: Trix is short for "Tropical Kix").

That damn rabbit couldn't even catch a break on Christmas. Hell, even Fred Flintstone was willing to share his Fruity Pebbles during the holidays.

That blonde girl in the commercial looks like she stepped off the set of The Bloodening Village of the Damned.

Commercial: Milton Bradley Travel Games

I remember when this commercial first aired in the early 90s. It features Santa trying to get his reindeer to pass him some travel-sized games to put in the stockings, only they're too busy enjoying the gifts themselves to pay him any mind.

Maybe it's just me, but even travel-sized games seemed a little extravagant for stocking stuffers (at least the brand-name ones, like Milton Bradley). Then again, my stocking stuffers were always dollar store fare. In my family, our stockings were mostly filled with candy, those candy cane shaped pens that barely wrote, and once in awhile a box of crayons and a coloring book. The real presents were under the tree.

Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special

This is probably one of the most insane Christmas specials ever made - not surprising, since it's Pee Wee's Playhouse. This was so campy that John Waters would be jealous. Just look at this list of guest stars:

• Whoopi Goldberg
• Magic Johnson
• Grace Jones
• Frankie and Annette
• Cher
• Joan Rivers
• The Del Rubio Triplets
• Little Richard
• K.D. Lang
• Zsa Zsa Freakin' Gabor
• Oprah, before she became the self-serving, name-dropping bitch that she is today
• Dinah Shore
• Charo

I'm surprised they don't air this on the Logo network. It's rife with gay icons.

This special managed to reach out to most of the demographics: they covered both the secular and religious aspects of Christmas and Hanukkah. Nobody can possibly be offended except for any uptight parents watching this after 1991.

On to the commentary:

• When the director told those guys in the choir to look as serious as possible, they took it to the extreme. Some of them look like they're singing at a funeral.

• I wish those two drag queens back-up singers would have made more appearances on the show.

• "What would you put on my Christmas list if you were me?" I don't know, maybe a huge supply of porn, so you can spank it in the comfort of the playhouse, instead of whipping it out in public and getting your show pulled (no pun intended)? Sorry, still bitter over here.

• Heh, I KNEW Chairry had a crush on Ms. Yvonne.

• GAH! Shut UP, Magic Screen! Nobody wants to kiss you! Sorry, I've already professed my hatred for Magic Screen, so I'll stop here.

• Florry totally wants to peek under Ms. Yvonne's dress.

• "I hope it's not a fruitcake." Don't worry Pee Wee, Little Richard will be over later.

• Grace Jones appears to be wearing the same prosthetic boobs that Marilyn Manson is wearing on the cover of Mechanical Animals.

• Thank God Cher didn't sing.

• I wonder how many kids actually heeded Pee Wee's advice and used coconut shavings to make snow angels. I'm sure at least one dumb kid tried to pull that crap.

• I wonder how Little Richard felt about Morpheus Cowboy Curtis usurping his hair-do.

• Please stick to chest register, K.D. Lang.

• I think Penny either forgot her Ritalin or had a little too much sugar.

• Charo was totally rocking a crimp.

• Why didn't Joan Rivers, Dinah Shore, and Whoopi Goldberg join Ms. Renee in singing the dreidel song?

• They had MAGIC SCREEN narrate the story of the nativity? Seriously? Couldn't they have used a character with a less grating voice?

• Damn, I wish those workers would add a wing to my house.

• If Pee Wee gets no presents, is it really a huge loss? He DOES have Jambi.

• Looks like your wish has yet to come true, Pee Wee.
  
  Here's part one. The rest are in the uploader's profile.
  
  

7 UP Holiday Commercials

Remember Spot? The former mascot of 7UP? Sometime in the late 80s, that little red ball on the logo was anthropomorphized and his popularity exploded. He even had a few of his own video games (then again, what anthropomorphized character DIDN'T have its own video game during that era?).

I'm not sure why 7UP dropped the Spot campaign. Then again, this is what they had to say in the FAQs section of their official website (by the way, 7UP is both Kosher and gluten-free, in case you were wondering):

Q: Are you targeting 7UP to adults or children?

A: 7UP is targeted to adults 25-49 who want a great tasting carbonated soft drink without artificial flavors are preservatives.

Hmm, does this mean that I've only been old enough to drink 7UP for less than 2 months?

Spot was featured in many commercials, but the Christmas-themed ones are the most memorable. This one from the late 80s is beyond cute. The music is pretty good too:



Here's one from the early 90s, featuring the now defunct slogan "The Uncola". Not as whimsical as the other one, but cute nonetheless:

McDonald's Ice Skating Holiday Commercial

Throughout the 80s and early 90s, McDonalds would always air this commercial around Christmas. It featured Ronald McDonald ice skating, while animated forest creatures looked on. He engages in a game of "Crack the Whip" with a bunch of kids - save for the smallest of them all who is left behind. Kid looks sad, Ronald notices, picks him up and spins him around, and the other kids finally acknowledge his existence. Hey, Ronald noticed him, so he must be worthy of their attention, right?

Here's the commercial. Animation and music-wise, this ad was pretty high-quality.



Later on, they replaced the audio track in the commercial. I think I might actually like this music better:

Christmas Eve on Sesame Street

Throughout my childhood, PBS ran 1978's Christmas Eve on Sesame Street ad nauseam throughout the month of December - and I was determined to catch every single airing. Alas, PBS has retired this special, in favor of some crappy one featuring The Monster That Ruined Sesame Street Elmo. I've been holding out hope for several years that they'll pull this out of the vault, but no such luck. Thank God for Youtube.

And now for some commentary:

• I will always and forever associate Jose Feliciano's "Feliz Navidad" with this special.

• Damn, it couldn't have been easy to skate around in that Big Bird costume. Big Bird (and his costume) is 8'2"!

• Oscar would NEVER say that Santa is "built like a dump truck" in the overly PC Sesame Street of today. Obesity is a growing epidemic, ya know.

• Olivia! Why did you have to leave? Sorry, but Big Bird > Jackee any day.

• Ah, Bob. Your singing voice makes me melt (shut up, you know it makes you melt too).

• Luis who? Back in those days, Maria and David were an item.

• Hee! I love how the subway drowned out Oscar's scathing remarks to Big Bird. It totally gave the illusion of profanity.

• Bert and Ernie sure are crappy gifters. Oh well, it's the thought that counts.

• I would love to know where the kids Grover and Kermit interviewed are now.

• This special was one of the only times I was exposed to Mr. Hooper. The actor who portrayed him died in 1982 (and the episode that addressed his death aired when I was approximately 27 days old)

• Ah what Christmas special would be complete without a Gift of the Magi (or A Christmas Carol or It's a Wonderful Life) parody?

• Prune cookies? Jeez Cookie Monster, you're already bulimic. Are you looking for a new way to purge?

• Why are you bitching, Big Bird? You don't HAVE a chimney. You'll get your damn presents.

• Heh, I almost forgot that Cookie Monster was saying "Cowabunga!" long before Michelangelo.

• "I'll tell him where to put his toys." Pretty raunchy line for Sesame Street.

• "Oh Ernie, what a great, superb packing job." I'M NOT TOUCHING THAT ONE!

• Out of all the Christmas songs for Bert and Ernie to sing, they WOULD pick the one that includes the line "make the Yuletide gay" (sorry, couldn't resist).

• Don't you have parents or some kind of guardian, Patty?

• A half-frozen Big Bird, coupled with that SNORING was one of the most frightening images ever to three-year old me.

• "I think my giblets are frozen." Holy innuendo, Batman! At least to my one-track mind.

• So Patty DOES have a mom! Maybe she had a little too much eggnog that night?

• Oscar's last line, followed by Big Bird's silent sputtering = best ending ever.

Here's part 1. I'm not about to embed all seven parts, so for the rest, just click the uploader's name.

Commercial: Lifecall (Life Alert)

If you don't remember Lifecall (now called Life Alert), chances are you will after you read this next sentence:

"I've fallen and I can't get up!"

It's unfortunate that a commercial that addresses a serious problem among the elderly is so unintentionally hilarious. I'm sure Lifecall didn't intend for this ad to become one of the biggest punchlines of the 90s. Oh well, at least it put them on the map. Mrs. Fletcher will live on forever!

Here's a remarkably high-quality version of the commercial in all its glory:

For additional hilarity, here's the REMIX!:

The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog

This entry is different from the usual, because I didn't actually watch this when it aired. However, this show is from the early 90s, so it's not exactly off-topic. I discovered the awesomeness of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog through my younger brothers, who watched the reruns on USA during the later half of the 90s, after new episodes were no longer being produced.

The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog was yet another cartoon series based on a popular video game. I've always had a soft spot for the old school Sonic games, so I don't know why I originally missed this.

This show was a low-budget crapfest... and that's what made it so great. It was oozing with campiness. Examples:

The animation was mediocre at best. Also, the colorist should have been fired.

The storylines were extremely slapstick and beyond corny.

This show gave the New Kids on the Block cartoon serious competition for the Worst Sound Effects in Animation Award.

Catch-phrase after catch-phrase ("Let's speed, keed!", "Gotta blow, Joe!")

The music was absolutely horrid, especially the cheesy rendition of In the Hall of the Mountain King that was sprinkled throughout the soundtrack.

Sonic was voiced by Mr. Steven Q. Urkel.

What late 80s/early 90s show would be complete without a PSA at the end ("Sonic Sez Says")?

Interestingly, another Sonic cartoon aired on ABC at the same time. I got the series on DVD for my brother last Christmas, and I have to say, it was a damn good show, animation, plot, and music-wise. Unlike The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, this one obviously had a budget of more than 60 dollars.

Here's one of the cheesier episodes that I remember. I friggin' love Scratch.

Here's the opening, which was cut out of the video I posted:



Finally, heres a bonus "Sonic Sez". Sonic says that sexual harassment is NO GOOD. I love how they use that cheesy version of In the Hall of the Mountain King in the background. At least they didn't show Robotnik chasing Tails while Sonic was talking.

Sesame Street Creature Feature: Marmoset

In the 80s, Sesame Street had a segment called "Sesame Street Creature Feature", which focused on some exotic animal, along with an accompanying song. This didn't pique my interest as much as the Muppet or animated segments. However, I was always drawn to the marmoset one. It must be that chill music. It never left my head, even during my post-Sesame Street, pre-Youtube years.

That song affects me a lot differently than it did about 20 years ago. Now I'm in the mood to make love. Or smoke a bowl. Maybe both. This sounds like something that Bob Ross would get down to while painting his happy little trees.

Commercials: Happy Meals - Halloween Edition

Today marks my last entry as a 24-year old. Tomorrow's the big 2-5!

This is my second Happy Meal entry, with a Halloween theme in honor of the season. As in the last post, I'm writing about the toys I actually owned as a child.

This first commercial features the late, great McNuggets, all dressed up for Halloween and making horrible "mummy/mommy" puns. The toys featured in that year's (1989) Happy Meal were the McDonalds Zoo Face disguises. These "disguises" consisted of an animal snout and face paint. I had the toucan's beak. The elastic hurt my face, but I really liked how the inside of the beak smelled. Either my memory is fuzzy or I got gypped, because I certainly don't remember getting any face paint.



This next one features the Halloween Happy Meal Pails (and the now MIA Birdie, Grimace, and Hamburglar). I had the pumpkin, but I stuck to my pillowcase for trick or treating. Those buckets couldn't hold crap.

Bumper: Nickelodeon - What Time Is It?

If you thought that "Wacky Wild Kool-Aid Style" commercial I blogged about was a trip, you ain't seen nothing yet. This Nickelodeon bumper from 1990 is an amalgamation of various animated bumpers (yes, there are actually bumpers WITHIN bumpers in this one) and clips from Nick shows. It's a chaotic mess... and I love it. It definitely embodies the awesomeness that was once Nickelodeon.